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My stay in Gran Canaria, Spain

2020.05.20 01:27 BigCatsAreAwesome My stay in Gran Canaria, Spain

Ladies and Gentlemen, the super tree hugger presents a new episode of his travel documentary series. This time, I went further away from my home, so I chose Gran Canaria, one of the Canary Islands which belong to Spain, but not to the continent Eurasia (Europe and Asia are actually one continent), they belong to Africa. So this was the first time for me to stand on another continent, and that already at the age of 32 years. What? You are as young as you feel (or look). In this “documentary”, I’ll tell you about my experiences of my unusual far journey. Warning, this text may contain traces of hippie propaganda, daydreaming and satire.
It was the 24th of April 2019 early in the morning. The transfer taxi picked me up in my home Fieberbrunn (Tyrol, Austria) and brought me to the Munich airport. This wasn’t my first flight, so I wasn’t very nervous because of the security control. However, I secretly hoped that I didn’t somehow look suspicious and get listed in the CIA file of “traitors of the civilised West who summon the downfall of the occident”. As I arrived at the terminal and at the check-in, I went through the security control. The display behind the metal detector showed a warning sign on my shoulder and at my leg. I thought that they already got me by my balls and will label me as “Pagan-Satanic soup herbs witcher”. I have to admit that I had some nasty thoughts (let’s be honest, who hasn’t some nasty thoughts sometimes?), maybe it was because of that. The security man then scanned the two points on my body, but luckily he didn’t find anything suspicious. However, I hoped that I wasn’t secretly listed in “propaganda terror file”. I went on to the gate where I ate a snack and drank a bottle of water. I took a seat in the plane and watched it rolling. As the plane arrived at the runway, it got fast and furious and took off as elegant as the Englishmen in the After Eight TV spot. The flight went towards west over Switzerland and France where the sky was very cloudy. This must have been the rain period that arrived in my home country in the next days. Further west, I could see the Pyrenees, very fascinating. My eyes swelled up. The plane steered to the left, rocketing towards south west over Madrid in Spain and over Portugal. As I was over the Algarve coast, I left my home continent Eurasia and could see the wide Atlantic Ocean. North America was hidden far beyond the horizon. After some time, I could see the island Fuerteventura and the plane set to landing. I also could see Tenerife in the distance. The landing was quite wobbly due to the strong wind. The plane was downright dancing. After a flight time of 4 hours and 35 minutes, it put on the runway and slowed down. My country account got another entry by entering Spain (beside Austria, Germany, Switzerland, Hungary, Italy, Slovenia, Croatia and Bosnia and Herzegovina). As I got out of the plane, I knew that I just entered another continent: Africa. It was a fascinating feeling. I also experienced a mini jetlag because the Canary Islands are in another time zone, so the time here is one hour earlier than in my home.
After I grabbed my suitcase, a bus brought me to Maspalomas, also known as schnitzel, weißwurst and döner paradise. This place is also very popular among gays and lesbians, but I don’t have any problems with that. During the ride, I could see the majestic mountains, so my eyes swelled up. After I arrived in Maspalomas, I got into my apartment in the bungalow zone. On the balcony, I could watch the people at the pool, and this already in April. I even could sit on the balcony shirtless at midnight without freezing. The Canary Islands are located in the subtropical climate zone, but they aren’t far away from the tropical climate zone. They are on the same latitude like Florida, so the sun is slightly more intensive. During midday, the sun is near the zenith, so the own shadow is very short. The sun rocks hard, so a 50 spf sun milk is strongly recommended. I wasn’t interested of swimming in the pool because I find the sea more beautiful. Even though I’m Austrian, there’s nothing wrong with loving the sea. I already read comments like “A real Austrian shouldn’t vacation at the sea”. Arguments like this can easily get invalidated with this fun fact: Austria used to have a sea coast (Austro-Hungarian Empire).
So I went to the beach to watch the famous dunes of Maspalomas. At the lighthouse, I already could see the western part of the dunes. As I went up the first dune, there was a young man from Germany (Baden-Württemberg) who was also fascinated by the dunes. In the next days, I took a bath in the Atlantic Ocean and took a walk through the dunes. They are a true masterpiece of Mother Nature. The dune landscape was declared a nature reserve in 1987, otherwise it probably would have become a victim of the total building craze. We don’t need to cover everything with concrete, loungers and sun umbrellas, we should let nature be nature. In the evening, I mostly took a big walk through the dunes, it was very uplifting and I had a magical feeling. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be at such a beautiful place. This landscape is the most beautiful part of Maspalomas, along with the lagoon La Charca. The view at the mystic hinterland, I almost fainted because it was so utterly beautiful, it looked like the scenery of a fantasy movie. My eyes swelled up. I also was fascinated by the tide which is slightly higher here at the Atlantic Ocean than at the Mediterranean Sea. A black cat also crossed my path. Black cats aren’t bad luck, remember that at last. Maspalomas is actually a typical tourist ghetto, here you can buy Lügenpresse (the German word for lying newspaper which means fake news) and “futtern wie bei Muttern” (which means you can get the food of your home country). At the beach, there is a bar called Strand-Apo-Theke which constantly played Ballermann hit songs, so it was rather uninteresting to me because I don’t like this kind of music. I also wasn’t very interested at the Cita shopping centre because there was also this music coming out of it. After some weird creature wanted to give me some kind of card (very likely to be a fraudulent scam), the interest was completely gone. Sometimes, you just want to serve these sub-human cunts a fatty “Leave me the fuck alone!” with a spicy middle finger. So I like the dunes more because they are completely free of such slime critters.
At the Strand-Apo-Theke, you can get schnitzel, potato salad, weißwurst, meatballs and currywurst - like you’re at home. There are also many Chinese restaurants, pizzerias and a Burger King. I couldn’t let it be to taste the Canarian and Spanish cuisine. I ate papas arrugadas (potatoes cooked in saltwater with spicy mojo sauce, a Canarian specialty), Canarian galletas, shrimps in garlic sauce, gazpacho, garlic bread, farmers bread with olive oil and tomatoes, seafood paella, seafood soup, hake with mussels, tapas plate, jamón Serrano and fried squids. I also tried Canarian beer (Tropical and Dorada), Spanish beer (Estrella and Cruzcampo) and Sangría. Yes, you can get this food in Maspalomas, also known as the schnitzel, weißwurst and döner paradise. I also tried Canarian cheese and Guanchitos (Canarian ring cookies covered with chocolate). During buying milk, I had to be sure that it had 3,5 % grasas (Spanish for fat) because I don’t like low fat milk. I also don’t need that disgusting 0,1% fat yoghurt or skimmed cheese, especially on holidays. This whole diet and light grub is nothing more than artificial poor quality bullshit. I don’t know any other animal species that modifies its food so that it’s low fat, ergo tasteless. It’s sad that humans alienate more and more from nature. Everywhere you can read things like that you have to eat pizza with skimmed cheese instead of mozzarella, you have to eat tiramisu with low fat quark instead of mascarpone, otherwise you are “out”. One day we have to eat chemical pills, and natural food will be labeled as “unhealthy”, “fattening”, “Pagan” or “not compliant with the latest trends dictated by the almighty and omniscient brainwash media”.
While talking with people, there was multiculturalism 4 life because I talked with people from different countries. At the beach, I talked with a Swiss family about nature and the island Gran Canaria. They told me of a man at the beach who wanted to persuade them to book a trip. I told them that it’s a scam and that they shouldn’t do it because these sellers are shit ass creatures who want to persuade people to do a “free sightseeing trip” which is a merciless fraudulent scam. They sell poor quality crap with very expensive prices. They also rush people into signing an expensive time sharing contract which is useless (this remembers me of the South Park episode “Asspen” which shows the time sharing scam in a satirical way). One day at the beach, I ate a snack. There was a catchy reggaeton music coming out of the speakers and three middle-aged women celebrated this music. They were local people, they talked to me and asked where I’m from. When I answered, they said “Austria grande!” and we had a conversation about the sea and the island. They had a fiery temperament and happiness. This was kind of contagious to me. I’m actually a quite calm/phlegmatic person, but when I’m around people with an impulsive temperament, I get this temperament too. One of them had a tattoo of a contour of a cat on her leg. A cattoo! Hail kitties! The Feline Reich will rise! She told me that she loves fluffy kitties very much. I told her that I’m also a “crazy cat lover” and that there is a wild cat species roaming free in my home country Austria – the lynx. They were very fascinated about this. They also love wolves. We celebrated together while listening to the reggaeton music and enjoyed the beauty of nature and wildlife. It’s amazing. First I’m just a tourist, and then suddenly I’m in the middle of life. On another day, I sat on a dune where I had a conversation with a young man from London. We talked about the beauty of the island and our home countries. He also loves wild cats and wolves. He told me of a friend who has a husky, a dog breed which looks very much like a wolf. One evening, I walked through the dunes and along the beach. On a dune, there were two young women who looked kind of irritating to me. They constantly messed around with their smartphones and held the camera in the air while turning around 360° and shouting “WHHOOOOOHHH!”. They did this multiple times. This seemed to be a new trend, but yet again, I didn’t know anything about this because I’m too old for this shit. There also was an old local man sitting on the dune. He lives in Playa del Inglés and only spoke a few English words. As we had a conversation, I concentrated my little Spanish vocabulary, we mainly talked with sign language. The two girls finally walked away and he also wasn’t amazed by their fanatic smartphone craze. We talked a little bit about senseless trends and walked along the beach together, heading to the lighthouse. He told me something about the island and taught me some Spanish words. He also loves wild cats and wolves. As we said goodbye, he said “Muchas gracias!” and gave a thumb up to show me that he was happy to meet me. On the way to my apartment, I met a young man. Every year, he works in Gran Canaria for four months and for the rest of the year, he lives in Rome (Italy). He also loves wild cats and wolves. We talked about our lives and about nature (mainly about the wolves of Yellowstone). Wolves are cute and fluffy. Yes, I’m crazy. At a beach bar, I talked with the bar lady who loves wild cats and wolves. I used Google Translate to translate “Nature is sacred and needs to be protected.” and “Nature is truly a great artist. It’s a shame that only a few people appreciate this.” into Spanish and she agreed. Once again, I couldn’t stop spreading my hippie and eco propaganda. I talked with a Cuban who loves wild cats and wolves as well. Now I already have some supporters for my feline army to build the Reich. All HAIL to the reintroduction of the Eurasian lynx to Austria!
I was so curious to go on a bus trip around the island. The first stop was in Puerto de Mogán where I went through the old town and up to a panorama platform. It was a beautiful view down to the port and the rocky coast. The trip went on through the hinterland and to a town with the fantasy-like sounding name Agaete at the west coast of the island. We stopped at a restaurant at lunch time. I ate a fish soup and a seafood paella. There also where a German and a French sitting at the table. They also love wild cats and wolves. We talked about the majestic view of the west coast and our lives. After that, I walked around in Agaete watched the rocky coast before the trip went on to Las Palmas. I walked around in Las Palmas and was very fascinated by the beach Las Canteras with its black spots. Once again, my eyes swelled up. This town kind of has its own flair. Then it went on back to Maspalomas. During the bus ride, I talked with a German woman who already often spent her vacation on this island. She finds it very uplifting to walk through the dunes and was also fascinated by the nature of the island.
On another day, I took a bus ride through the middle of the island. I visited Teror, a town in the inland. In this town, there were Spanish soldiers who were praying in the church. On a panorama platform, I could watch the landscape and the Roque Nublo, it was breathtaking. I also could see a little bit of Tenerife with the Teide mountain (the highest mountain of Spain, 3718 meters) behind a veil. We stopped at a mountain inn where I ate rancho Canario (Canarian vegetable soup), Spanish tortillas and postre mousse de gofio (Canarian dessert). There were also an elderly Bavarian couple and an elderly Irish couple sitting at the table. We had a conversation and once again, I raved about the beauty of nature. I showed them some photos, such like the photo which I shot in the Plitvice National Park in Croatia where there is a hidden lynx on it. They where very amazed by nature’s masterpieces. The trip went on through Fataga and I could see an aloe vera farm. Once again, the landscape with its canyons and lots of palms made my eyes swell up.
Now let’s head for the neighboring island Tenerife. I wanted to conquer the town Santa Cruz. It was early in the morning and it was dark. A bus brought me to Agaete from where a ferry went to Tenerife. During the ride, the ferry swung to the left and to the right due to the waves of the sea so my stomach prickled, like I was on a roller coaster. I could hear people vomiting because they got seasick. The ride took two hours, then the ferry reached Tenerife and docked at the port of Santa Cruz. Once again, I was amazed by the majestic mountains behind the town and by the town itself. First I walked towards south to the auditorium of Santa Cruz, I was fascinated by its architecture. I took a little break and ate an ice cream (passion fruit and coconut Santacruzian style). In the front of the auditorium at the coast, there are rocks with portraits of famous people (such like Johan Strauss) painted on them. The weather was fine and completely cloudless. I preferred to stay in the northern part of the town because there weren’t as many cars driving around as in the south. I ate Spanish tards, I don’t know their names anymore, but they were delicious. At a bar, I ate a Serrano snack and drank a cappuccino. At the neighboring table, there were some elderly German people who spent their vacation in Tenerife. They were also fascinated by the island. There also was a young local woman who lives in Santa Cruz. She only was here for a short time because she had to go to work. I talked to her and so we had a nice conversation about our home countries. I told her that we have lynx, wolves and brown bears in Austria which she found interesting because she loves lynx, wolves and bears as well. It was a nice day in Santa Cruz, then the ferry took me back to Gran Canaria. During the ride, I met a young man from Saxony (Lausitz). We talked about our vacation and enjoyed the pensive atmosphere. The ferry headed straight to the “abyss” (horizon). He told me that there are wolves in the Lausitz area, but even if you walk around and actively search for wolves, you won’t see them. We were outraged by animal haters who speak out rants against cats and other animal species. We also were outraged by the Lügenpresse (fake news) which spreads fear and hatred against nature. Once again, damn you, Lügenpresse! During the bus ride from Agaete to Maspalomas, I saw lots of small houses and I thought about the everyday life of the local people here, so once again, there was a pensive atmosphere.
I did a trip to Las Palmas. First the trip went to the hinterland and up to the volcano crater Caldera de Bandama, and then it went on to a botanical garden where I could see some very beautiful endemic plants. After that, I took a little deeper look on Las Palmas. I walked through the alleys and along the beach promenade. Once again, I felt the special atmosphere of this city, it’s incredible. At a bar, I ate some Serrano ham and Canarian cheese. The people here are very lively and greeted each other with an impulsive temperament, I was very fascinated. At the neighbouring table, there were local women, one of them had two cute small dogs. As they left, one of the dogs gave me a kiss, and then we all laughed together. In the Santa Catalina Park, I found a statue of a woman with her four cats. You can’t imagine how delighted I was and once again, my eyes swelled up. First I photographed the whole piece of art, and then I photographed every single cat because they are so cute. Later I found out that this is a statue of a famous personality called Lolita Pluma who fed cats and was declared the “Queen of the Santa Catalina Park” in 1984. This statue is a symbol of freedom, muse of tourism and artists, and protector of animals. I ate an ice cream (mango and caramel) and took a short break by sitting down on a public seat. There was a young local man sitting next to me who lives in Las Palmas, so we had a conversation. I told him of my home country and its wildlife. He loves wolves as well. Wow, so many people who love wolves! So I’m not alone with my craziness. He loves wild cats as well, such like lynx. He was pretty amazed as I told him that I travelled to Gran Canaria alone.
On the last day of my vacation, I joined a hiking trip in the inland of the island. We walked along a hiking trail up the mountains and through a pinewood. The sky was completely cloudless and once again, the beauty of nature was breathtaking. I also could see Tenerife with the Teide. I took lots of photos. I also took photos of me standing in a natural landscape with the Teide in the background and a photo of me hugging a tree. I thought about creating a meme with a photo of nasty drunk party people and a photo of me hugging the tree right below the party people photo. The party people photo says “How normal people spend vacation” and the photo of me says “How freaks and tree huggers like me spend vacation”. If I upload such a meme on the Internet, I would probably get scorn and ridicule and make people angry. An apocalyptical shitstorm would break out. Maybe even the Third World War would start. Ok, let’s stop the wondering, I just enjoyed the landscape and my eyes swelled up. The trip went up to a masterpiece of Mother Nature: the Roque Nublo. I can’t describe how amazing the view was up there. During the hike, I also could see a rock formation which looked like Donkey Kong holding a beer and some other funny rock formations.
On the next day, I walked around in Maspalomas and was thinking about my vacation. During the walk, I suddenly saw a Gran Canaria giant lizard on the other side of the road. This lizard species is only native to Gran Canaria, ergo endemic. I quickly grabbed my camera and was lucky to take some photos of it, even though the lizard was moving very fast. Lizards are one of my favorite animals, I find them very cute. People could call me a lizard hugger. I watched the photos and was happy about my “trophy”. Once again, I had an idea for a meme with a photo of a trophy hunter posing next to a dead lion and a photo of me posing next to the lizard photo poster on my wall. The lion trophy hunter photo says “How normal people do trophy hunting” and the photo of me says “How dreamers and eco pussies like me do trophy hunting”. Some self-proclaimed crusaders would probably go after me with pitchforks and fire torches. Maybe even Donald Trump himself would appear and scream at me with phrases like “Holy Double Whopper, what the fucking fuck are you fucking fuck fucking doing?”.
Then I was thinking about an incident in South Africa where a poacher got trampled by an elephant and mauled by lions. He wanted to hunt rhinos to sell their horns to the Chinese. But science has proven that the horn of rhinos, tiger penis soup and stuff like that is totally useless and doesn’t have any effects. This “medicine” makes me so utterly angry and needs to get eliminated. Screw the Chinese medicine! WAAAHH!!! GET RID OF THIS FUCKING SHIT WHORE FILTH!!! There are “traditions” which need to get eliminated (such like the “tradition” of the bull fight, btw, bull fights are banned on the Canary Islands). I was surprised how many people were happy about the poacher’s death. There are lots of newspaper articles of this incident. In the comment sections, there were mainly people who made fun of the poacher’s death and were happy about it. Comments like “You eco pussies, tree huggers and city folks have no clue about life. Unlike us manly, straight and smart countryside people, only we know everything.” were very rare. Btw, I’m a countryside person. Well, I don’t think that the village St. Jakob in Haus (where I was born and raised) counts as a city. I also was happy about his death. I know we shouldn’t make fun about the death of people, but that sub-human scum of poachers totally deserves it. I would personally throw the parasite filth into the oven, make a video of it and upload it on the Internet, titled “In your face, nature haters!”. If we destroy nature, nature will destroy us.
A bus then brought me to the airport, where I had a conversation with an older woman who hates predators. She said that all wolves should be shot. I told her that snow leopards and tigers are close to extinction and that it’s a shame, then she said “Well, get rid of them!”. She also didn’t have a passion for sharks. Another older woman joined the conversation and ranted against foxes and other wild animals. I did what I can do best: spread hippie propaganda! I spoke the usual phrases like “The world belongs to all creatures, not only humans.”, “The animals were there before us, who are we to decide which species can live and which cannot?” and “Humanity destroys the earth, but the other animal species are labeled as evil.”. I also told them that I find sharks and snakes very beautiful and that they are very important to the eco system. Then they looked at me incredulously. They also looked puzzled. A man sitting next to me agreed with me, so I wasn’t alone with my statement. Well, I made my point and hopefully made the world a little bit better. I’m not that so-called “brave, straight, righteous and conservative citizen” who gets drunk every weekend, listens to mainstream hit music, screams populist rants, worships status symbols (such like fast cars or the newest smartphones), reads the Kronen Zeitung (an Austrian populist boulevard newspaper) and goes to Church. I’m more of an unworldly do-gooder and hopeless hippie floating through his rainbow dream world on pink clouds and watching out for cute unicorns. After that conversation, I went on to the gate to fly back to Munich (but not on pink clouds, even though I’m sure that would have been very beautiful). During the plane ride, there was this pensive atmosphere again. I was thinking about the two wildlife-hating women at the airport. And then people wonder why this world is going down to drain. Well, I hope that at least they will remember my words. After 3 hours and 52 minutes, I landed at Munich airport from where the transfer brought me back to Fieberbrunn. I finally returned home.
I experienced a lot of things during my two weeks vacation. I entered new terrain, tasted new food (I know that it almost sounds like a sacrilege, but I didn’t eat any schnitzel, döner or McDonald’s food during the two weeks) and met new people. And, well, I made the world a better place. Or not. Haha! I definitely had a lot of fun and the atmosphere was typical vacation-like and sunny, but sometimes also pensive. And, yeah, my eyes swelled up. The weather also was always sunny, at least at the south coast because the mountains protect the coast from the northeast trade wind. Only in the north, the weather was sometimes cloudy due to the northeast trade wind. In my home country, the weather was mostly rainy and sometimes snowy, so I escaped the bad weather. I was sitting at the sea with sunny weather. Meanwhile in my home country, the weather was rainy, snowy and cold. I’m just not a winter person, even though I’m from Tyrol. Some people would see this as a mortal sin because I already found comments like “A real Austrian has to spend vacation in the snowy mountains and not in hot countries!”. I also didn’t need Kronen Zeitung or BILD (a German boulevard newspaper) which I also don’t read at home. Yes, I’ve never bought a Kronen Zeitung newspaper. Oh no, I see enraged citizens rioting and lighting the stake. They want to burn that evil heretic who dares to question the infallibility of the holy Kronen Zeitung. This text is also filled with idealist mindset and will probably polarize because it contains parts which some people may find disturbing (especially because I use words like “sub-humans”). But this is necessary to give people a wake up call. I’m just not an “I lay my love on you” radio pop lyric person who only produced that conform and standardized radio crap. I sometimes have to be rough and honest to speak out my opinion, even though some narrow-minded backwoodsmen get red faces and would like to sic entire secret agencies on me. But this is rather unlikely. Which kind of weird planes are flying over me? And why is there a guy with a giant antenna walking around? And who’s knocking on my door? I’m opening the door… and once again, I get big googly eyes.
See, the occident still exists. People should open their mind and not bash on everything which they see as “not normal”. Start to think for yourselves. I still hope that overall, you liked this text and that it enriched you and that I will do more journeys to experience more diversity. Diversity 4 life!
May the pink clouds show us the way.
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